By Charles Qualls 

Rick and Tara arrive for their supper club, late as usual. The kids have drained their last modicum of energy -- one has called from a party needing money and the other wants last-minute transportation to a friend's house. Rick's mother gave the couple a scare by falling down the steps, as shes done several times already since moving in with them.

And none of that is the real problem.

During the evening, they sit next to each other only long enough to eat. Their lack of communication is evident by the appetizer they both forgot to bring. Tara doesn't mindlessly pat Rick's back during conversation, once a hallmark of her affection for him. And they don't roll with the punches like they used to. He chides her in front of the group over a small nothing and is met with an icy glare. Twice lately, Tara has mentioned a cute guy she works with.

Rosemary alertly picks up on some of those signals. She's been friends with Rick and Tara for a long time and she's begun to notice a change in their relationship. But she realizes she's no therapist and figures it's just a tough week for them.

In fact, Rosemary has pegged some important signs of trouble. Although Rick and Tara's marriage isn't necessarily doomed, it is in need of some help.

Counselors agree that, more often than not, a marriage relationship doesn't flame out in a burst of betrayal or anger as much as it simply grows weaker over time. Opportunities to do maintenance are missed. Warning signs are ignored. Eventually the marriage slips into a pattern of alienation.

Many people have already given up on the ideal of lifelong marriage, as evidenced by increases in both cohabitation and divorce. Half of all marriages are disrupted by divorce or separation within 20 years.

Young couples looking down the marriage road are daunted to see that trail littered with crashed relationships. How do they avoid becoming part of the wreckage? Other couples who are already staring at midlife feel trapped, aware their marriage is in need of repair but lacking the resources to do anything about it.

So how does anyone make it to midlife with their marriage intact?                                              

Curves ahead
I know that neither one of us has anything left to give, a desperate Wendy Erwin told her husband over the phone. But I love you and we're going to make it.

With those words, she grabbed the lone thread that would hold her marriage together over the next few months.

For Wendy and Scott, their 11-year-old marriage had come to the brink. After a whirlwind romance and two storybook years of married life, a series of personal crises had brought them to the edge of despair.

First came a change in career direction, the first hint that things were'nt going according to plan. Then came two ectopic pregnancies that resulted in miscarriages.

With the first baby, I had a supportive surrounding, but Scott did'nt, Wendy says. With the second, we both shut the proverbial blinds and decided to deal with it quietly on our own. Seeing her husband as vulnerable was another blow. He had always taken care of me, and now I saw him as a person who needed help too.

Then twin daughters were born, but both developed severe health problems. While Grace would overcome most of them, Katie was left with serious, multiple handicaps.

The resulting emotional, spiritual and financial stress pulled their marriage apart. Communication became almost non-existent. They stopped nurturing each other. We were sleep-deprived, depressed and emotionally exhausted, Scott recalls.

Adds Wendy: It was'nt unusual for us to say, I love you, but I have nothing for you. I'm not angry at you, but I just can't offer you more than commitment. My resources are gone. We lived that way for two-and-a-half years. We were dying inside, losing one another as partners, and staying together only because neither of us could do this alone.

"The turning point, as I see it, was that we realized that we had to find a way to stay together," Scott recalls.

Scott, a New Jersey pastor, still could not deal with the crisis openly. While Wendy accepted some help from others, Scott struggled alone. I realized I was adding pressure to a family system that could'nt deal with any more pressure.

Disappointed with life and frustrated with God, the young couple clung only to their commitment to stay together. Finally, their breakthrough came in late 2001 with a change of jobs and location. "We moved to Virginia and not only reduced the financial pressures, but got a new start," Scott says. "Slowly we started to talk with each other. We would turn the TV off and figure out who we were."

"Only after we got to some level of healthy interaction could we really stir God back into the mix," he continues. "For a while, God was a hiding place or a pawn we used in arguing. We began to pray together, and we discovered that it's pretty tough to stay frustrated with a person you're sharing prayer time with. Then, we noticed that we were beginning to think of each other first in some things. I saw that Wendy needed me to be at home and to help out. I could'nt just be a pastor and then come home and sit down."

"Eventually we began to date again. We've fallen in love again. And that's weird because we're totally not the same people who met on the beach all those years ago. Its a true starting over, figuring out who we are and where God fits into that equation. I would'nt say we're where we want to be in communication, role negotiation and other important skills. We still have moments of intense grief, as you will when you have a special-needs child. But we are'nt in crisis now by a long shot.                                      

Road work
Few marriages that last remain unchanged. On the contrary, counselors say being able and willing to change is a key to marriage survival.

If a couple is willing to work on building and maintaining a solid relationship, they can arrive at midlife -- and survive it -- with a strong, healthy marriage. But the journey starts even before the wedding, and it involves daily attention.

Around a table of bag lunches, a counselor and a few clergy met in Greensboro, N.C., in 1996 to see what they could do about the problem of failed marriages. Since 95 percent of the weddings in Greensboro and surrounding Guilford County are performed in the areas 450 churches, the group sensed they could be part of a solution.

Rather than giving in to the pessimism that half of those marriages would eventually end in divorce no matter what, the group set out to employ the resources of faith to prepare people for successful marriage. The result was a covenant agreement among Greensboro churches. They agreed to be intentional about equipping couples for a lifetime of marriage.

The covenant committed the clergy -- and all couples they married -- to a waiting period before the wedding, counseling sessions, an in-depth analysis of each relationship, enrichment opportunities for the couples, and a support network to mentor the newly married. By 1998, more than 70 churches had signed onto the agreement and more would follow.

The counselor who spearheaded the original group was Robert Herron, director of the Presbyterian Counseling Center in Greensboro.

To simply conduct a wedding and then send the newlyweds out to fend for themselves is a dangerous way to start a marriage, Herron says. Efforts like the one in Greensboro and other cities help couples anticipate the issues they'll face and develop sound practices to maintain the marriage partnership, he says.

Bo Prosser, an associate pastor in Charlotte, N.C., and head of the Center for Christian Education, has been involved in marriage counseling and marriage enrichment for years. "When I prepare a young couple for marriage, I stress to them that they're not just two people anymore. We're three now. I can't be with them everywhere they go, but they can call me anywhere I am, anytime of the day or night, if they get in trouble. They have to know that there are others who will support them and have gone where they're going."

Prosser says communication and commitment are the two stackpoles around which everything else in a marriage falls into place. Communication involves both skill and constant care, he says. "You have to practice it every day."                                           

Slippery when wet
"They have to understand that the person they married at 25 isn't the same anymore at 45," says Wade Rowatt, director of the St. Matthews Counseling Center in Louisville, Ky. Adjusting to those changes is some of the hardest work in marriage, say Rowatt and others.

We change as individuals, but somehow we expect our marriage relationship to continue to operate on the same practices and rules, Rowatt says. Those personal changes are easily overlooked when assessing a marriage relationship, he says.

Wendy Erwin sees now that she and Scott had different expectations of marriage, shaped by their different family backgrounds. As we grew, we grew into our own patterns. We worked constantly to please one another but never stopped long enough to step back and realize that we had different lenses on.

As with the Erwins, a deep commitment to preserve the marriage -- above all else -- is the essential ingredient in overcoming a lifetime of changes and challenges, Rowatt says.

"Commitment has to be both intellectual and emotional in nature or it won't be balanced enough to see us through," he adds. "On the days when the romantic side of the marriage does'nt seem real, the fact that you once loved a person enough to marry him or her may be the only beacon to follow out of the darkness."

Midlife particularly can test a relationship, counselors say. At midlife, grief of one variety or another likely has tugged at the marital fabric. Usually the death of a parent, or even a child, has occurred. There are dreams not realized and opportunities missed. One partner or both may question their purpose in life.

Commitment to the partnership often can carry couples through these challenging times.                                          

Form single lane
In a society that puts increasing value on the worth and fulfillment of the individual, a dangerous dilemma is created: How do I find "me" without giving up "us?" After a few years, many couples find themselves staring at virtual strangers when alone together.

Gail and Steve Brookshire of Dallas work hard to find the balance.

"Steve helps me to be an individual while were being a couple," Gail says of her husband of 19 years. "He's made it a priority for me to be able to advance professionally and personally. He helps me to have time by myself to go on retreat or pray. He helps me to have the time away to rejuvenate. Most spouses might not even feel that they could be away."

Yet, Gail adds, their marriage also has been strengthened by what they do together -- especially learning and laughing.

"We love to learn together -- art galleries, poetry, stuff that's totally different from what our backgrounds are," says Gail, a genetics counselor. "We have'nt ever gotten to the place where we're at a dead-end. It keeps it fun."

"We laugh together," she continues. "We reflect on where we've come from -- our families. Nothing's so sacred that we cant laugh about [it]."

But Gail and Steve have an advantage over some couples. "We have a common Christian faith that we share that matters a lot between us," she says. "It's not true always as a bond for relationships to share. It has reoriented everything, including how we spend our money and our time."

The Brookshires are committed to working on the rough spots in their personalities, which requires a lot of trust, Gail says. "We have an environment where it feels safe with each other."

Folks go in and out of relationships like changing socks, and they don't want to do the work that it takes. You have to be ready to do the work.                                              

Warning - Mirage zone
Predicting when marital conflict might hit is difficult. But counselors agree there are points along the way that stress relationships in particular. Some of them come surprisingly early, while others arrive later.

For couples with adult children, a period that hits about two or three years after the nest empties can be tricky. Suddenly, the couple is alone with each other. If they haven't been staying in touch along the way, it is treacherous to suddenly have to become reacquainted. This person who only resembles your original marriage partner is now your only roommate. Vulnerability to frustration and romantic affairs springs from unresolved issues in the relationship. 

In the bestseller The Bridges of Madison County, author Robert James Waller portrays a woman dealing with the disappointments of her rural Iowa farm life. Along the way, she and her husband have fallen into sloppy communication and very low maintenance of their romance. With her husband and children gone for a few days, she engages in a brief affair with a National Geographic photographer, portrayed in the movie version by Clint Eastwood. Her new lover offers her the chance to leave it all behind and travel the world with him. But she chooses to stay, keeping until her death the secret of her torrid affair.

Counselor Robert Herron says "the romantic mirage of Madison County poses problems for couples in all stages of life, but particularly those at midlife. Frequently, it is the marriage that is judged defective, rather than the mirage," he says.

"If we are to grow as persons, and in our marriages," Herron says, "we have to give up the simplistic, magical notions and replace them with maturing, grounded love and commitment."

"If you haven't made it to Madison County yet, be happy about it," Herron says. "In the real world, which is the only world we have, we don't have to love perfectly at midlife. Love is not a four-day extravaganza. It's a lifelong process of learning."

- Charles Qualls is associate pastor of Second-Ponce de Leon Baptist Church in Atlanta and a FaithWorks editorial advisor. He also is a leader for marriage-enrichment and divorce-recovery conferences. (cqualls@spdl.org)                                           

Resources for couples
Bridges to Intimacy: Making It Through Midlife With Your Spouse, Robert W. Herron, Thomas Moore Publishing, 2000.

Yes, your marriage looks rather indestructible in its earliest days. Midlife issues are'nt exactly flagged in your Palm Pilot to receive immediate attention. But guess what? The skills you'll need by midlife are'nt just called up on demand. You have to nurture them over time -- starting yesterday. Robert Herron has provided a road map. Its about investing along the way so that you actually get to know your partner. This paperback is a comfortable read designed to help married people be alert to the pressures, warning signs and health indicators of marriage up the road. Real-life stories are used as background for suggestions you can try.

Empowering Couples, David H. Olson and Amy K. Olson, Life Innovations, 2000.
The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman, Northfield Publishing, 1995.
Husbands and Wives: The Best of Friends, Otis and Deigie Andrews, Lifeway Press, 1994.
Adolescents in Crisis, G. Wade Rowatt, Jr., Westminster John Knox Press, 2001.

www.lifeinnovations.com Many counselors recommend the Prepare/Enrich marriage-analysis system for counseling pre-marital couples, as well as with those who are a few years along. Developed by David Olson at the University of Minnesota, this inventory consists of over 160 questions completed by both of the marrying partners. The resulting customized booklet guides a trained professional in follow-up sessions with the couple. Discussions center on issues like marriage expectations, communication, conflict resolution, financial management and parenting. Exercises to be completed between sessions give a chance to use some of the skills developed.
www.oates.org  The Wayne Oates Institute provides pastoral-care resources that are helpful, including occasional articles.
www.c4ce.orgOccasional events and resources for marriage enrichment.
www.baylor.edu/CFCMBaylor University Center for Family and Community Ministries, Diana Garland, director.                        

Warning signs, vital signs
Every marriage is different. But most marriages show warning signs long before trouble erupts. And all marriages can be improved by attending to certain vital signs. Marriage counselor Wade Rowatt identifies some of both, based on years of counseling and research. They are not guarantees of failure or success but solid indicators. If even one of the warning signs is evident, give it attention now. The help of a pastoral counselor may keep your marriage on track.

7 warning signs

         Frequent disinterest in what your spouse is doing or saying.

         Sudden, prolonged attraction to a co-worker, friend or fellow church member.

         Unexplained, sudden anger at your spouse.

         Disinterest in sex.

         Over-involvement with children at the expense of the marriage.

         Depression.

         Not wanting to be touched by your spouse

7 vital signs

         Talk and listen to each other daily. Listen actively, beyond the level of thought. Share feelings, dreams and emotions. The three years past empty nest are key. Develop this skill now.